In the Same Room with the Dying Light

I thought it might be helpful to examine death from the point of view of an Objectivist who is at death's door, so to speak. Eleven months ago, a tumor was discovered in my right lung. Two months later the lung was removed, lymph nodes were examined, it was determined that the cancer had metastasized, I was classified a Class IIIb patient, and I was sent home to work things out as best I could. Since the average life expectancy for my kind of cancer is less than a year and my chances for lasting five years are less than 10 percent, I assumed that I was going to die pretty quickly. I am really glad to still be here. Whether I survive for a long time or a short one is immaterial to this essay, since from my vantage point my death has been and is imminent.

There have been a lot of surprises.

First, I have been surprised at my acceptance of my death—no tears, no rants, and no rails at the injustice of it all. I seem to be able to accept easily that my life will soon be over, finished. The response of non-Objectivist friends to my death has been revealing. In direct correlation to their religiosity, they seem to expect me to "do something" about it, as if the fact of imminent death required some kind of frantic activity in order to get ready to die. As none of these friends are introspective enough to converse about this reaction, and I have no desire to talk to a Christian about anything, anyway, I must surmise that death, to them, is a scary place where some third-party certifier judges your life and assigns you to an eternity that may or may not be of your liking.

Not so for me—imminent death is just another fact of existence.

Aren't you going to miss your family and friends? No, silly, I will be dead, remember? They may miss me as long as they live—and I sort of hope they do—but I will no longer exist to miss, love, hate, learn, or anything else. I will be finished, gone, morte, dead. I will no longer exist as a living being, and that is no problem for me. If it is going to be a problem for those who still have life after I am gone, then they need to work it out for themselves, as they always do, with success or without, one way or another.

I look around me at the rebirth of spring, glad to be here for the awakening, and fast-forward to another fall that I may or may not see. As I do, I recognize that life is what it is, nothing more and nothing less. It comes and it goes, it is definable, marvelous, and finite.

I never dreamed that there was comfort in the Law of Identity, but there is.

Another surprise has been the way I view my life, now that it is no longer a work in progress stretching into the vague future. Now that life is really, really finite, I am more inclined to examine it as it wiggles back through time to its beginnings and to pass judgment on its journey to the present rather than its future potential. I discover that I have had an excellent life, so far. For non-Objectivist readers, this does not have anything to do with wealth, fame, or my circle of friends. An excellent life is one that has provided me with the means to achieve my own happiness. When I try to identify the reasons for this, I am struck by the part played by my desire to know. Whether it was genetically stimulated or triggered by some other mechanism, I am not sure. But I am sure that without the burning desire to know how to have an excellent life I could not have achieved one.

So, having come to grips with the fact that I am not perfect and that I have not lived a perfect life, how should I evaluate the life that I have led? My first conclusion is that this is a job I have to do for myself. I built my soul, and only I can evaluate how successful I was in creating one that resulted in my happiness, in providing me with an excellent life.

This is where it gets really interesting.

I think back over my soul-building and I see it now as a clash of values, a battlefield where I was forced to decide between opposing principles: those of my Judeo-Christian heritage and upbringing and those of what I now understand as Objectivism. Each battle was tough, hard fought, and ultimately resulted in the soul I now have, which resulted in the excellent life I have enjoyed.

Since I don't have anything else to do, let's take a look at some of the battles fought in the war for my soul.

Have Faith

It becomes clear early on, if you search for principles in the Christian camp, that there is always a part in the learning process that requires you to make a leap of faith, as it is so aptly described. At this point, no matter the subject, you must relinquish your mind and accept something because someone or something says so. I found this amazing. My mind was OK to use until I got to the hard stuff, and then I was supposed to embrace the 2000-year-old writings of some sand nomad who had, he claimed, a direct connection to something called God, who, just coincidentally, had all the answers to everything. Or, even worse, my local preacher who can barely read and is as lazy as cold honey purports to have the same connection to the same dude, which he will share with me—if I simply give his church 10 percent of everything I make. I figured I would stick with my own mind, the one that brought me to the party, and not take up faith leaping.

Love Thy Neighbor

Actually, this principle of Christian living should be called "love thy neighbor, regardless." It doesn't mean much if he or she is actually lovable. To really count, you should love him or her because they are horrible humans—the more horrible, the better. Whoever dreamed up this principle did not live in rural Alabama. Some of my neighbors have been thieves, murderers, wife beaters, child abusers, and just downright bad people. I discovered early on that if these guys think I love them they will be over every day to relieve me of what little stuff I have and, perhaps, my life. I think I will save my love for the ones who earn it and arm myself against those who do not, yet want me to love them anyway.

Judge Not Lest You Be Judged

This principle ties right in with the "love thy neighbor, regardless" idea. It goes farther, however, by stating that you are not supposed to care whether the snarling kid with the switchblade is out to cut your throat or is playing a part in some street production of Hamlet. I suspect your judgment of others may be critical to furthering your life. Also, I have spent a lot of time and effort on this soul, as have you on yours. If we don't put them out there for judgment, how are we going to find others with similar values? It makes more sense to me for you to judge me based on all of the evidence available to you, and I will judge you the same way. Then maybe we can make music together.

Save the Heathens

What is this all about? By definition, a heathen is someone who does not think like you do. Most religions consider this a bad thing and urge their followers to go forth and change the minds of the heathens so they can be saved. If the heathens will not change their minds, then it is OK to kill them. Is there going to be an election at some point in the future where the God with the most votes gets to be head honcho? What is this all about? Since I am classified as a heathen by most people in the world, I am a strong proponent of leaving the heathens alone.

From Each, to Each

"From each according to his ability, to each according to his need" has to be the slogan that is draped over more shed blood than any other. It enslaves those of ability to the parasites of this world in the name of religion, or Marxism, or some other moral perversity. It does not work in this world—never has, never will. But every time some group wants to acquire the assets of some other group or individual without trading for them, they haul out this old slogan to justify the murder, theft, and injustice to follow. I think I will stick with trading to mutual advantage and hope that the "from each, to each" crowd will eventually consume each other.

Role Models

It would seem to an observer of life that those who practice what they preach should be paragons of virtue and serve as role models for those of us who ascribe to an excellent life. Yet one of the first rules of business that I learned was, "Never extend credit to a preacher." It seems that he expects God to pay the bill. My observations of those who proclaim themselves representatives of God seem to justify this skepticism. In fact, every preacher I have really gotten to know has turned out to be a scoundrel or a seriously screwed-up human. If what they preach does not earn them an excellent life, then what will it do for me?

In all of the battles for the principles by which I would live my life, I seem to have backed into the correct way of living by rebelling against the prevailing view. By rejecting faith, I affirmed the primacy of my own mind; by rejecting the concept of unearned love, I opened myself to the concept of justice; by judging others and expecting them to judge me, I confirmed justice and assumed responsibility for my own soul; by rejecting the conversion of heathens, I reaffirmed their right to use their own minds and began the rejection of the use of force between men. By rejecting socialism and communism, I began to understand the liberating force of mutual trade for mutual advantage and the rejection of force in the marketplace. By observing the lives of those who lived by the principles that I had rejected, I discovered that I must be on the right track.

Enter Ayn Rand

Now, a very fortuitous thing happened to me on my way to an excellent life. There lived another person with the mind, the strength, the ability, and the desire to identify and take the principles I had discovered by rejection of the world in which I lived and turn them into a philosophy—a philosophy for life, one that works and that, if understood and consistently followed, will result in excellent life, every time. The person was Ayn Rand; the philosophy is Objectivism; and without her thinking I would have become just another dropout from the world, like the millions of contrary thinkers over thousands of years who, faced with the conflict between their own minds and the society around them, simply removed their minds from society, hunkered down, and made of life what they could.

Through the incredible intellect of this one woman, the philosophy of Objectivism was born. The force of her mind continues as the philosophy is confirmed, modified, refined, and used to form the guidelines for those who wish to live an excellent life.

But excellent life does not just happen—it is the result of a lot of hard mental work. There is no catechism that, once learned, will guide the way; no prayers that, if repeated often enough, will assure success. Excellent life requires thought—yours—and lots of it, until the day you cease to have life.

That most people don't want to make the effort required to think for themselves explains why Objectivism has not swept the world, and why there are not very many people living excellent lives. It is, however, this basic effort, the choice to think, that is the essential ingredient in excellent life. Fortunately, it becomes easier to do with practice. The more you think, the more you will want to think—sort of like working out.

Not only will this thinking exercise provide the necessary principles for excellent life, eventually make you an Objectivist, and create the conditions necessary for your happiness, but it will also lead you to some wonderful people involved in the same process.

Almost eight years ago I attended my first summer seminar, in Madison, Wisconsin. The instruction was intense and the level of intellectual activity was extremely high, but the most fun I had was in the common room getting to know others who share my basic premises. By seminar's end, I was on such a discovery high that it took me weeks to return to some sort of normal existence. Every year's summer seminar has been better than that of the previous year, and every year the people I meet and talk to are central to my enjoyment.

When we started the TOC travel program with our trip to Switzerland, it was like summer seminar without the stress level of the intellectual stimulation, sort of like a traveling summer-seminar common room. It was not that the conversation was not stimulating, for it was, but the emphasis was on discovering people, not ideas. And what people they were! Having acquired the basic premises of Objectivism somehow—and the how is usually fascinating—they have adopted these premises into their lives in ways that are marvelously inventive, always unique, and usually successful. That some of them may be a little strange or eccentric just adds to the delight of getting to know them. I think these people are so unique that there is nothing they could not accomplish, given a rational definition of the problem, time for thought and discussion, and a little wine.

To the End—and Beyond

It is this Objectivist community that my early death will prevent me from enjoying and that I do regret having to leave. But the community is just beginning, just building into a small theme of what will someday be a grand symphony. I urge you all to keep the theme alive, if only by whistling or thinking about the melody as it will someday be. Search for ways to enjoy this community, change it to suit yourself, modify the way it functions to meet the needs of tomorrow, and revel in the joy of being with those who are heroes, who aspire to excellent life, and who will change the world—but don't care about that as long as they can function and live their lives their way. They are the most interesting people on earth!

I have long considered that we are all immortal in that our actions, our souls, affect those around us throughout our lives and after, in small but important ways. Like dropping pebbles in a pond, we leave ripples. Those ripples can and will spread in ways we can never predict and with results we could never expect. When mixed with the ripples from others, they may help create a raging tempest or act to calm the waters. We can never know the final results of our lives, but this view of immortality does provide motivation to try to build as fine a soul as we are capable of constructing. When life is almost over we can relax, which is all we have energy to do anyway, and hope that our soul construction will give solace to some, help to others, and maybe insight to a few. When life ceases, the construction is over, but the ripples continue.

So what is the final conclusion about death from one who is facing his pending termination? Simply that it is no big deal. Objectivism provides the tools for accepting the end of life, just as it does the tools for constructing excellent life. If you use those tools to build your life, the process is exciting, consuming, and one that you will wish to prolong. And if you use those tools, death is just the completion of the process. Then, truly, death has no sting.

(Since writing this essay, I have been informed that I may now be cancer free. I find my reaction to this to also be interesting. I will begin to plan for my new life under the same assumptions that I have recently used concerning my old life. I may be dealing with a medical omnipotence problem.—Charles Tomlinson)